Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"One Hour (or Three) I'll Never Get Back"

Yesterday, the unthinkable happened.  I, John Doe, attended a taping of the Jerry Springer show.  There's really no explanation for this other than it wasn't my idea and it sounded like a funny thing to do in concept.  I would have written about this yesterday but I really needed a day to digest what had just happened to me.  While I'm still not quite sure of the answer of what, in fact, has happened to me, I figured the best thing to do was to give a running diary, Bill Simmons-style so here goes....

12:00 pm - arrive at Billy Goat Tavern.  Devour one double "cheeezboorrrrger" with "cheeeps, no fries!" and two beers, "dark."  

12:45 pm - enter the NBC building and wait in line for entry to the studio.

1:03 pm - I set off the metal detector like every person before me had due to the presence of a belt.  

1:04 pm - Approximately 1 minute and 10 seconds into a very uncomfortable silence, the lady at the metal detector is still hanging onto my belongings and looking off into the distance as everyone stands and waits in confusion.  Finally, one of her colleagues, who appeared to have a brain, asked what was going on.  She finally says that I set off the metal detector.  He comes over and waves the wand and I'm cleared.  I snatch my belongings out of the lady's hand and proceed to the elevator as she continues to look off into the distance.  

1:47 pm - Now upstairs, we wait in line again to enter the studio.  Tension is building.  Whispers abound.  The show starts at 2!  What if we don't get in????!!!!!!!   AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  

1:58 pm - We enter a studio mostly full with people who were let in before us.  A production assistant begins to seat people in specific seats, one group at a time.  I don't like where this is going.....

2:00 pm - We are next to be seated.  We have turned a corner and can see the entire studio.  The front row is conspicuously vacant.  The production assistant approaches and says.........

"We have perfect seats for you guys."  


2:07 pm - After five minutes of conversing about all of the ways this experience might ruin any chance I had for getting a job and will without a doubt cause us to see things that can't be unseen, we are now mentally prepared for the show.  

2:13 pm - The producer comes out and gives some instructions and tells a few lame gross-out jokes.  

2:16 pm - Jerry's not ready yet.  

2:21 pm - Jerry's not ready yet (are you allowed to be a prima donna as the host of a show like this?)

2:23 pm - Jerry comes out and gives some instructions and tells a few lamer gross-out jokes in stand-up comedian style.  Don't quit your day job Jerry. 

2:29 pm - JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

2:31 pm - Guest 1 (a female) comes out and takes her shoes off.  She's ready.  

2:37 pm - Guest 2 (another female) comes out.  Fight!   JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

2:38 pm - Fight!  JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

2:43 pm - Guest 3 (a third female) comes out.  Fight!  Again!  Oh man!  Guest 1 really hates Guest 2 and Guest 3.   JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

2:44 pm - JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

You get the idea.  The cheating dude comes out, more finger pointing and fighting, more JERRYJERRYJERRY, some fat booty shaking, and segment 1 is done.  There are clumps of hair all over the floor from the fights.  This one was convincingly real.  

3:01 pm - Segment 2 begins with a dude from West Virginia and his cousin/fiancee.  'Nuff said. 

3:07 pm - A tranny prostitute shows up and asks West Virginia guy for his/her $50.  The plot thickens.....

3:11 pm - Segment 2 ends.  Our group of four universally agrees that segment 1 was way better.  However, I realize that once you've stooped this low, there is no "better."  It's kind of like a black hole - once you're in, it's all a universal blob of nothingness.  It's all the same.  So, I guess what I'm saying is, we reached the singularity of awfulness.  

3:16 pm - Segment 3.  Two girls fighting.  Good punching.  Dude comes out.  Looks familiar.  Wait, looks familiar?????  I'm looking into this one but I am really hoping it was a coincidence and that guy isn't who I thought he was, mostly because that would then imply that I know someone who was a guest on Springer.  The day I've taken to reflect has allowed me to convince myself that they just look similar.  

3:27 pm - All the zoo animals/contestants come back out.  People throw insults at them and receive some in return.  The End.  

The Last Word:

I was in an inexplicably terrible mood after this show yesterday.  It's hard to go to something like that and not come out feeling like your life has hit a new low or that whatever innocence you still had was shattered.  Fortunately, since yesterday, I've remembered that I shouldn't take myself so seriously.  I don't live in West Virginia or have any gender confusion issues so I've got that going for me, which is nice.   JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

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