Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Where Dignity Goes to Die...

So I'm making preparations for Christmas over the weekend and had to make the trip I hope to avoid every year...Michigan Avenue. Unfortunately for my brother's wallet and my dignity, my niece Madison loves American Girl dolls, so I went to pick one up so that Brian can be the great dad he is and make her Christmas a great one. I'm not sure whether this ordeal makes me a good brother or uncle or neither since I'm not paying for it but I'll pretend like it's both. So I put my game face on and make my way down to Michigan Avenue, arriving at 9 am on the dot the morning of December 20 to avoid the throngs of people that will not only make navigation difficult beginning at 11 am, but more importantly will make my remaining sanity impossible to keep.

So I make my way into and through the monstrosity that is American Girl Place, seeing doll hair salons, doll makeup stations, and dolls from every race, every nationality and from every economic background with every single interest under the sun. The politically correct air inside the store nearly choked me to death. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I hear "we wish you a happy kwanzaa, we wish you a happy kwanzaa." What??!! That's not the song! The song basically went exactly like this and I can't believe such behavior is widespread enough that I can find it on youtube. What are they doing to these poor kids? Look at the little blond boy they zoom on who is doing just fine until they start singing "we wish you a rockin ramadan." Poor kid has no idea what's going on or why his teachers won't let him sing the second part of the real song. Doesn't kwanzaa have its own songs that people who celebrate it can sing? I know Hanukkah does. So does Christmas, that's why they're CHRISTMAS songs.

Our world has basically turned into a sick PC joke...a black hole really, with American Girl Place being the singularity. Random sidenote, I saw this bumper just chilling against my building the other evening. Not sure whose it was or why they just gave it up but they left it, license plate and all. Two weeks later, it's still there.

The story ends like this: I'm completely overwhelmed in American Male Hell so I forget which doll I was supposed to get. I have Rebecca in my hand but then I see Felicity, which sounds really familiar. I make a very un-PC executive decision and figure my niece (who's not Jewish) would not ask for a Jewish doll so logically deduce that Felicity is indeed the correct doll. I put back Rebecca and her Chanukkah dress and shawl and reach for $100 Felicity and her $24 Puritan bonnett and frilly whatevers. WRONG! By the time I get the text message that I got the wrong doll, I'm long gone and it is long past the time where going to Michigan Ave means certain death. In my defense, the reason Felicity rung a bell is because Madison already has a Felicity doll and in the irony of ironies, my only other trip to American Male Hell was to pick up said Felicity doll a year or two ago. God (can I say God? Should I not capitalize? Tell me what's right and wrong American Girl Place. Please!) bless Carrie, who went today to exchange Felicity for Rebecca to save me from further agony.

I'm actually happy about Maddie's decision though, despite the inconvience of me getting the wrong doll, for a couple reasons. 1) She selected a doll from another culture without any knowledge or care about religion, culture, whatever. That's 100x better than politically correct, where instead you try to dance around everything as if it's a problem that you need to tread around very lightly. We only facilitate and solidify negative stereotypes by doing this. Hopefully that innocence continues for her. 2) Rebecca is the first American Girl doll I've ever seen that is decently cute but she does still have buckteeth with a gap in between them. After all, you wouldn't want to go too far towards attractiveness - that would damage self-image and wouldn't be PC at all.

So enough negativity, Christmas is always exciting. My mom is coming out to Chicago for the famous Baizer Christmas Eve party on Thursday, then we will drive back to Columbus for the not-so-famous-but-still-very-enjoyable Tracy Christmas on Friday. With that, "Good tidings we bring to you and your kin. Good tidings for CHRISTMAS and a Happy New Year!"

Song of the Day:

Animal Kingdom - Two by Two

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